Sunday, 1 May 2011

Chemistry Between Two People

Chemistry between two people - is it spontaneous and natural, or can it be cultivated? Julian Manley explores this subject and offers some useful advice.

Kind regards,
Neil Knight

Chemistry Between Two People - Spontaneous and Natural...Or Can It be Cultivated?   by Julian Manley

in Relationships / Dating    (submitted 2010-09-11)

I'm sure you've heard about sexual chemistry, and perhaps even experienced it. But what do we mean by the term, actually? How do you recognize it? And is it really down to chemicals - and therefore something outside of your control - or is it something else, something that you can work on and develop over time? Read on and find out...
What's Meant By Sexual Chemistry?
From a man's point of view, by sexual chemistry I mean that "Wow!" feeling, that set of intense emotional and physical sensations that being with a specific woman brings on. It's generally at its most intense in the early stages of a relationship.
The most immediate signs for me have been things that I would probably associate with an adrenaline surge. Like, my pulse suddenly lives in the back of my throat, I hear it in my ears; an excited bird flutters its wings in my stomach, I do and say things impulsively - and words that flow unbidden from my mouth cause my mind to reel in shock and horror! I become an accident zone - fidgeting, knocking over glasses, dropping things...
Okay, okay, I exaggerate somewhat, but degrees of the above have definitely occurred.

Fortunately, after the initial rush, sanity returns (somewhat, anyway), and a new phase begins. The sexual chemistry now brings on a feeling of lightness, and energy, like I could effortlessly dance and talk the night away. I feel ecstatic. Nothing to do with drugs - not the bought kind anyway...
Food, usually a biggie for me, loses its importance - the pleasure of talking, listening to her, connecting and building rapport, is over-riding. She seems to be lit by a subtle spotlight, everything about her is vivid and attractive. I notice small things about her, which would normally be a delightful dusting of freckles on the lobe of one ear but not the other. A bubble of warm comfort surrounds me, us. I feel like I must have known her in a previous life - and strangely, often my thoughts at this time are not overtly about sex...
What about women, do they have similar experiences of sexual chemistry? Most definitely. I remember some time back, when a new girlfriend confessed to "going weak at the knees..."
And when the sexual chemistry flows two ways, heaven is at hand - or so it seems.
Is There Really A Chemical Connection?
It seems there is. Researchers have found conclusively that the above states are associated with increased blood levels of certain hormones and neurotransmitters. Elevated levels have been measured of especially the feel-good chemical dopamine and the neurotransmitter noradrenalin. The brain has also been found to be over-stimulated, neurons flashing like an electric storm!
Okay, so the increased levels of chemicals are related to and actually cause the symptoms of sexual chemistry described above. But what causes the levels of these chemicals to become elevated in the first place? Surely these are evidence of super-strong attraction, in response to a particular person...
So What Causes It Then? More Chemicals?
Some scientists say it's attributable to pheromones. These are chemicals that our bodies secrete (as do those of animals) and which attract members of the opposite sex. But to me that is somewhat facile and doesn't explain why two people can have intense sexual chemistry between them, but if you take those same people and pair them with someone else, there is little or no chemistry.
So perhaps chemicals do play a role, but the degree of sexual chemistry between two people is due to far more than just chemicals.
So If It's Not Just Chemicals, What Then?
First impressions play a huge role. It's sometimes described as "love at first sight". And that does not mean only that we find the person physically attractive - in fact, many studies have found that other factors are far more important.
These include their personal hygiene, their hair, their clothing and sense of style, their suntan (or lack of it), how healthy they look, how confident they are, the way they walk, talk, their mannerisms, and their aura of masculinity or femininity...down to the timbre, pitch and tone of their voice! Whether they laugh a lot or not, look high or drunk, are with friends and seem well-liked. The list goes on...and best of all, apart from a few universals, everybody's list is different - our preferences have been shaped by our personal histories.
And it's not calculated-it's virtually instinctive, we mostly pick up on these cues in a flash. I'm told it's inbuilt, and perhaps we can't always articulate it, but we're hard-wired with this ability to select and cherry-pick what best suits us.
So...Can One Develop Sexual Chemistry?
For some couples sexual chemistry takes a while before it "explodes", which could have a lot to do with initial shyness and lack of confidence on the part of either or both partners. Mostly, however, if you don't have it with a woman after the first few dates, I don't think you'll ever have it with her.
But what you can do is ensure that you improve your chances with the next woman you're attracted to.
First master the universal basics: personal hygiene, grooming, physical health and fitness. Next, improve your personality skills if necessary: courtesy and manners, natural friendliness, empathy, observation and conversation skills, and, perhaps the most important of all - self-confidence and self-esteem. Remember, a lot of help is available in the form of workshops, books, internet forums and more. Doing this will improve your chances of igniting sexual chemistry with a woman.
But please, more than anything else: live a fun life that's interesting - and interested! Embracing curiosity, imagination and a willingness to explore will of itself invite sexual chemistry into your life.

About the Author

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